The Top 3 People You'll Meet on Nasseb!

I can't sleep. Its 3 AM. And the only reasonable thing to do is to create a new post on our favorite blog. So here's what's on my mind. There's this site called Naseeb. Its kind of like a matrimonial/networking site. But, really it's a whole lot more. Well, after spending considerable amount of time strictly for research purposes <cough, cough> I began noticing some trends. So here I present to you.....

The top 3 people you meet on Naseeb!

#3 Person-who-is-looking-for-their-soulmate
So this person usually has two no-nonsense pictures up with them in a suit/sherwani at a wedding. This is definitely a way of foreshadowing. Their "about me" is incredibly specific with what kind of girl/guy they are looking for. They will invariably also have a line in about how they don't want to "waste time" If you contact this person, the second question you will get asked is when you want to get married. The first, will be whether your parents know you are on the site. I recommend pleading the fifth when asked the first question.

#2 Person-who-is-married-or-otherwise-attached-but-for-whatever-
reason-is-on-Naseeb.
These folks usually come with the status "I am here to help my friends meet eachother". These people are the online version of a Rishta aunty. At most, they will help at least one of their friends get hitched. And most likely this could be accomplished without them having to make an account.

#1 Person-who-is-looking-but-is-in-denial-about-the-fact-that-they-
are-looking. These people usually have a very witty "about me" section. They spend an excessive amount of time perfecting this section to give off the impression that they are incredibly nonchalant. While being impressed with their wit, also note the section usually includes one of the following: 1) a line about how they "hate" having to write this section 2) how their friends made them join naseeb against their will 3) how lame naseeb is. For their photo, the look they are always going for is " hot-without-trying". This photo is one that took them a painstakingly long time to get right and you can imagine its the best of the 5383 shots they took in their bathroom mirror . For the guys, sunglasses are usually a key feature. For girls, its a toss-up between either a stunning close-up or one of just their eyes or churi-full hands. Those who really want you to think they don't care will select the avatar that looks the least like them. Another trend with these naseebers is that they love to write journal articles. There is at least one journal entry ranting about their parents forcing them to get married. These folks are also always are listed as either "exchanging ideas" or "making friends and activity partners". Oddly, though, all their friends are of the opposite sex. It is very easy to spot these naseebers as they represent 85% of the site.


Anyways, I need to get back to perfecting my about me. I mean, not that I have profile on the site umm.... Are you kidding me? Why would I be looking? I mean the site is sooo lame, umm... Besides Billo was the one who forced me to join. I hope people think I'm witty.

Imposter, anyone?

One of these pictures is "Tiger Jatt".

One of these pictures is Imran Khan, (who is not hiding behind shades and a microphone trying to look like someone else)

I'll let you decide. ... Oh by the way, the glasses aren't original either.

Productivity this hafta*

* Hafta means week. (it can also mean Saturday)

RED: Time spent sleeping in. (this Saturday, until noon).

ORANGE: Time spent eating. (this Saturday, Nani's halwa puri / paratha brunch)

YELLOW: Time spent deciding whether I want chai. (this Saturday, also waiting for the chai to be made, drinking the chai, listening to chai-kahanis (tea time stories), and taking a post-chai nap hoping it'll burn off brunch)

GREEN: Time spent watching/listening to Bollywood videos on Youtube. (this Saturday, also analyzing dance moves while imagining that I look like a model and my husband is a Bollywood hero.)

BLUE: Time spent thinking about school and school work. (this Saturday in conjunction with the occasional Nassenger chat and online window shopping for saris to wear at the next family wedding)

PURPLE: Time spent reading, typing or otherwise "working" (in any hafta).

Stolen from Somewhere

Note: ABCD =American Born Confused Desi

Know Your Imran Khan's

Last week, I was telling Billo that the only person who could save Pakistan was Imran Khan. She seemed confused, wondering how some Bollywood heartthrob could deliver our country to a prosperous future. I informed her that obviously I wasn't talking about that Imran Khan, but rather the other Imran Khan. She then agreed with me that the cricketer-turned-politician may in fact be the hope of our nation. I then informed her yet again, that I wasn't talking about that Imran Khan. Obviously, the only hope for Pakistan is a Dutch-Punjabi singer who can make metaphors of love from sound system components. Anyways, this whole incident inspired me to create a post helping us all distinguish the many celebrity Imran Khans!

Imran Khan-The Actor- This bollywood star is none other than Amir Khan's attractive nephew. Nothing is cuter then hearing this budding young star refer to his Amir Mamu as his inspiration (although admittedly he could just stand around with his mouth shut and still be pretty cute). Anyways, with hits such as Janne Tu Ya Janne Na (Either You Know or You Don't Know) and Kidnap (Kidnap) this kid seems to have a bright future ahead.

Imran Khan-The Cricketer/Politician- This Pakistani cricket captain is famous for leading Pakistan to world cup victory in 1992. Now, as chairman of Pakistan's Tareek-e-Insaf (Movement for Justice). This hearthrob in his own right, now focuses a lot of his efforts on improving Pakistan both through politics and philanthropy (*cough* mostly philanthropy).


Imran Khan-The Singer- If your Punjabi, you probably have a cousin who looks just like him. Or he probably is your cousin. Anyways, this Dutch-Pakistani singer made it big on the UK Punjabi charts with his hit Ni Nachele (Oh You Dance!). Since then, he has successfully crossed over (to the bustling Punjabi-American-Kids- Who-Are -On-Youtube demographic) with his latest hit Amplifier (Amplifier). What's next for my snake-loving cousin? Only time will tell...


Anyways, hope this offers you all some clarity in the future. So whenever you are in doubt about which Imran Khan people are referring to you, the safest bet is to say something generic, like"I hope Allah (swt) gives Imran success in his endevours" or "I am a huge fan of Imran Khan, he rocks my socks" or "He's kind of good-looking, don't cha think?" or "I really don't know what a subwoofer is but thats cool". So good luck to all you Imran Khan(s) fans out there!

The Art of Dumping

There will usually come sometime in your life when you will have to say "no".
Whether it was to that liver (kalegi) your mom tried to feed you when you were 3, or to that ketchup your cousin wanted to put on your rice (chawal) saying was the tastiest thing in the world, or to that "slimming" shake (lassi) your Daddi ji tried to give you when you were 15.

In the case of liver, it was easy for you to say no because you were young and you didn't realize that something that smelled so bad and looked pretty gruesome was actually good for you. In the case of ketchup and chawal, you could say no because your cousin definitely wasn't from America, and ketchup and rice (chawal) is just too weird. In the case of that "shake" you had to say no because you refused to believe that 1) you were overweight or 2) that it would work even if you were.

Now we are older, times have changed.
Some of us are looking for that special someone.
Some of us have that special someone and are trying to get a certain someone off our case.
Some of us insist that we are not looking for that special someone, when in reality we are in denial and/or do not realize what we really need.

Whether the guy* is like liver (kalegi) , or ketchup, or lassi; you need a way to "shake" him off. If he's like liver, you just need to tell him he's not your type. Just be like "dude, I'm just not digging this, I'm sorry this isn't gonna work out"

If the guy's like ketchup, you have to make it clear that you like your chawal just fine. Just be like "Dude I'm sorry this isn't the way we roll! I like plain rice"

If the guy's like lassi, you will probably not have a problem saying no because, well, you are in denial. Lol but if you are really confused, just say that you know you might need something, but it's not you yet. Just be like "Dude, thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna find a drink that doesn't give me the skeevies"

What if the "food" isn't kelagi, ketchup or lassi?

The catchall tried and true cure is to run far far away from the "food" as possible.
The other party will get the hint, and you didn't have to say anything.

OR

You can politely inqaar from the food and give a nice dua.
Like "Nahi shukria (other party). Jazakallah. Barai meherbani. Khuda apka bala karay. So saal jeeyain. Allah talah appkay saray kaam ahsan kardein ameen"

and then say good riddens afterwards.



*guys tend to not really care about this art.