How to be Desi for a Day

Yo. So as I was busy helping Sweety deal with the tons of fanmail she got yesterday, some kid posed a totally fab question. At the heart of the matter, the reader wanted to now how, he or she could become Desi*. Well sweetheart, unfortunately, you were either born Desi or you weren't. But, don't give up hope yet, you can still somewhat understand what it's like to be Desi so you can not be clueless in front of your South Asian comrades. I can give you guys a few pointers:

1) Watch Bollywood: Whether you're a Desi who has lost your roots or a wanna-be you really need to watch Bollywood. And no, just watching Slumdog doesn't count. You should check out what your local library has to offer (like Lagaan), and there is some stuff on Youtube and Hulu. If you can stomach the 3 hour comprehensive genre musical plot, watch at least one movie from every decade and you will be able to learn a lot of history; not to mention getting a good grip on socio-cultural norms (and yes I did just say socio-cultural). Bollywood will also help you with language and understanding Desi music.

Note: Even Desi's who claim to hate Bollywood (understandable), or worse who say that they have "never seen a Bollywood movie" (they have, they are lying) have inherent Desi traits and qualities that can only easily be understood through Bollywood cinema...and you can absolutely call me out on this.

2) Eat Desi food...and don't complain that it's spicy!: Eat Desi food. What does this mean you ask? Well to start with, get your mind free of sliced bread. You are going to need to eat unleavened flat bread called roti. You can also stop thinking of spice as being synonymous with salt and pepper shakers. The spices we use come in a gazillion different colors and always include red chillies in some form. You can also get rid of those utensils, most of us eat with our hands, and yes, it is an acquired skill. If you haven't been to a restaurant yet, Zagat it or ask around. The food is important. If you say it's spicy or make a I-can't-handle-this face, people will know your true identity. Instead, smile and drink some milk or water and eat some roti fast! Warning: Desserts although delicious, are incredibly sweet. Oh yea, by the way, some of us have this weird thing for mangoes...

3) At least one Desi friend: All Desi's (yes even the ABCD White-washed beyond return ones)have a token Desi friend. If you are desperate, use the internet. This is mandatory.

4) Aunty and Uncle: When visiting a Desi person's home, there are a few things you must remember. Do not go exactly on time, go a little late, but not too late. Take something to their house, and expect them to not want to take it from you. Call any older Desi people "Aunty" and "Uncle" with respect and take your shoes off as soon as you enter, and don't get ickeled by the apparent use of oil in someone's hair or by the fact that their daughter got married at 17 or by the fact that their son who is in his 30's still lives with them. Don't expect that anyone is going to be impressed that you were an art major, or that you have a new Ford, or that you once made cookies to give to your elderly grandparents in a nursing home. Don't refuse food, when you are not sure put your eyes down and expect to answer a lot of questions about your future plans. Be humble of your achievements, and give exaggerated praise.

5) Blonde hair? : There are very few Desis with naturally blonde hair. You might want to change that. If you can't change it, then you might want to put on some Desi garb to try to make up for it...although- well, let's save that for another day.

* If you haven't gotten it by know, urban dictionary it, dude.