The Glamorous Lives of Billo and Sweety

The Top 3 People You'll Meet on Nasseb!

2010-04-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. Its 3 AM. And the only reasonable thing to do is to create a new post on our favorite blog. So here's what's on my mind. There's this site called Naseeb. Its kind of like a matrimonial/networking site. But, really it's a whole lot more. Well, after spending considerable amount of time strictly for research purposes <cough, cough> I began noticing some trends. So here I present to you.....

The top 3 people you meet on Naseeb!

#3 Person-who-is-looking-for-their-soulmate
So this person usually has two no-nonsense pictures up with them in a suit/sherwani at a wedding. This is definitely a way of foreshadowing. Their "about me" is incredibly specific with what kind of girl/guy they are looking for. They will invariably also have a line in about how they don't want to "waste time" If you contact this person, the second question you will get asked is when you want to get married. The first, will be whether your parents know you are on the site. I recommend pleading the fifth when asked the first question.

#2 Person-who-is-married-or-otherwise-attached-but-for-whatever-
reason-is-on-Naseeb.
These folks usually come with the status "I am here to help my friends meet eachother". These people are the online version of a Rishta aunty. At most, they will help at least one of their friends get hitched. And most likely this could be accomplished without them having to make an account.

#1 Person-who-is-looking-but-is-in-denial-about-the-fact-that-they-
are-looking. These people usually have a very witty "about me" section. They spend an excessive amount of time perfecting this section to give off the impression that they are incredibly nonchalant. While being impressed with their wit, also note the section usually includes one of the following: 1) a line about how they "hate" having to write this section 2) how their friends made them join naseeb against their will 3) how lame naseeb is. For their photo, the look they are always going for is " hot-without-trying". This photo is one that took them a painstakingly long time to get right and you can imagine its the best of the 5383 shots they took in their bathroom mirror . For the guys, sunglasses are usually a key feature. For girls, its a toss-up between either a stunning close-up or one of just their eyes or churi-full hands. Those who really want you to think they don't care will select the avatar that looks the least like them. Another trend with these naseebers is that they love to write journal articles. There is at least one journal entry ranting about their parents forcing them to get married. These folks are also always are listed as either "exchanging ideas" or "making friends and activity partners". Oddly, though, all their friends are of the opposite sex. It is very easy to spot these naseebers as they represent 85% of the site.

Anyways, I need to get back to perfecting my about me. I mean, not that I have profile on the site umm.... Are you kidding me? Why would I be looking? I mean the site is sooo lame, umm... Besides Billo was the one who forced me to join. I hope people think I'm witty.

Imposter, anyone?

2010-02-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

One of these pictures is "Tiger Jatt".

One of these pictures is Imran Khan, (who is not hiding behind shades and a microphone trying to look like someone else)

I'll let you decide. ... Oh by the way, the glasses aren't original either.

Productivity this hafta*

2010-02-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

* Hafta means week. (it can also mean Saturday)

RED: Time spent sleeping in. (this Saturday, until noon).

ORANGE: Time spent eating. (this Saturday, Nani's halwa puri / paratha brunch)

YELLOW: Time spent deciding whether I want chai. (this Saturday, also waiting for the chai to be made, drinking the chai, listening to chai-kahanis (tea time stories), and taking a post-chai nap hoping it'll burn off brunch)

GREEN: Time spent watching/listening to Bollywood videos on Youtube. (this Saturday, also analyzing dance moves while imagining that I look like a model and my husband is a Bollywood hero.)

BLUE: Time spent thinking about school and school work. (this Saturday in conjunction with the occasional Nassenger chat and online window shopping for saris to wear at the next family wedding)

PURPLE: Time spent reading, typing or otherwise "working" (in any hafta).

Stolen from Somewhere

2010-01-30T07:48:00.000-08:00

Note: ABCD =American Born Confused Desi

Know Your Imran Khan's

2010-01-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was telling Billo that the only person who could save Pakistan was Imran Khan. She seemed confused, wondering how some Bollywood heartthrob could deliver our country to a prosperous future. I informed her that obviously I wasn't talking about that Imran Khan, but rather the other Imran Khan. She then agreed with me that the cricketer-turned-politician may in fact be the hope of our nation. I then informed her yet again, that I wasn't talking about that Imran Khan. Obviously, the only hope for Pakistan is a Dutch-Punjabi singer who can make metaphors of love from sound system components. Anyways, this whole incident inspired me to create a post helping us all distinguish the many celebrity Imran Khans!

Imran Khan-The Actor- This bollywood star is none other than Amir Khan's attractive nephew. Nothing is cuter then hearing this budding young star refer to his Amir Mamu as his inspiration (although admittedly he could just stand around with his mouth shut and still be pretty cute). Anyways, with hits such as Janne Tu Ya Janne Na (Either You Know or You Don't Know) and Kidnap (Kidnap) this kid seems to have a bright future ahead.

Imran Khan-The Cricketer/Politician- This Pakistani cricket captain is famous for leading Pakistan to world cup victory in 1992. Now, as chairman of Pakistan's Tareek-e-Insaf (Movement for Justice). This hearthrob in his own right, now focuses a lot of his efforts on improving Pakistan both through politics and philanthropy (*cough* mostly philanthropy).

Imran Khan-The Singer- If your Punjabi, you probably have a cousin who looks just like him. Or he probably is your cousin. Anyways, this Dutch-Pakistani singer made it big on the UK Punjabi charts with his hit Ni Nachele (Oh You Dance!). Since then, he has successfully crossed over (to the bustling Punjabi-American-Kids- Who-Are -On-Youtube demographic) with his latest hit Amplifier (Amplifier). What's next for my snake-loving cousin? Only time will tell...

Anyways, hope this offers you all some clarity in the future. So whenever you are in doubt about which Imran Khan people are referring to you, the safest bet is to say something generic, like"I hope Allah (swt) gives Imran success in his endevours" or "I am a huge fan of Imran Khan, he rocks my socks" or "He's kind of good-looking, don't cha think?" or "I really don't know what a subwoofer is but thats cool". So good luck to all you Imran Khan(s) fans out there!

The Art of Dumping

2010-01-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

There will usually come sometime in your life when you will have to say "no".
Whether it was to that liver (kalegi) your mom tried to feed you when you were 3, or to that ketchup your cousin wanted to put on your rice (chawal) saying was the tastiest thing in the world, or to that "slimming" shake (lassi) your Daddi ji tried to give you when you were 15.

In the case of liver, it was easy for you to say no because you were young and you didn't realize that something that smelled so bad and looked pretty gruesome was actually good for you. In the case of ketchup and chawal, you could say no because your cousin definitely wasn't from America, and ketchup and rice (chawal) is just too weird. In the case of that "shake" you had to say no because you refused to believe that 1) you were overweight or 2) that it would work even if you were.

Now we are older, times have changed.
Some of us are looking for that special someone.
Some of us have that special someone and are trying to get a certain someone off our case.
Some of us insist that we are not looking for that special someone, when in reality we are in denial and/or do not realize what we really need.

Whether the guy* is like liver (kalegi) , or ketchup, or lassi; you need a way to "shake" him off. If he's like liver, you just need to tell him he's not your type. Just be like "dude, I'm just not digging this, I'm sorry this isn't gonna work out"

If the guy's like ketchup, you have to make it clear that you like your chawal just fine. Just be like "Dude I'm sorry this isn't the way we roll! I like plain rice"

If the guy's like lassi, you will probably not have a problem saying no because, well, you are in denial. Lol but if you are really confused, just say that you know you might need something, but it's not you yet. Just be like "Dude, thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna find a drink that doesn't give me the skeevies"

What if the "food" isn't kelagi, ketchup or lassi?

The catchall tried and true cure is to run far far away from the "food" as possible.
The other party will get the hint, and you didn't have to say anything.

OR

You can politely inqaar from the food and give a nice dua.
Like "Nahi shukria (other party). Jazakallah. Barai meherbani. Khuda apka bala karay. So saal jeeyain. Allah talah appkay saray kaam ahsan kardein ameen"

and then say good riddens afterwards.

*guys tend to not really care about this art.

BK Gundas

2009-10-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

If you look up the word "thug" on one of my all-time favorite websites Urduword.com, you will not find an answer. That's probably because "thug" (or thag as pronounced in Urdu) is actually a desi word, meaning a "member of a gang of murderers and robbers in India who strangled their victims" (see http://www.etymonline.com/). When I was a child, a "thug" was a crook (to be differentiated with dakku - a bandit) and sure enough, if you read classic Urdu story-tales, you can read about "thags" who tried to trick little old ladies into selling their gold jewelry. Growing up, I learned another word for "thag" was "gunda".

So like in my convoluted way of thinking, a thug, is still a thug. But a "gunda" is a whole other species. When I think "gunda", the first thing that pops into my mind is a "Brooklyn Gunda", a heavier-set Punjabi guy with a do-rag and the baggiest jeans and a chunky metal "Allah" necklace. Then, I think, wait there are skinny gundas too, and I think of Jay Sean (who btw was my man before this z100 revolution) and then I think wait their are shareef (decent) gunday too and I think of my "gangsturr" brothers box and picks haircuts.

But, let me revisit the truly unique species, Brooklyn Gunday. As a Pakistani growing up in NYC, a Brooklyn Gunda is not hard to find (especially if you have ever been to the Pakistani day parade). Many Brooklyn Gundas have never been to Pakistan, (or moved from there before they were 5) yet they are the most patriotic Pakistanis you will have ever met. As such, the best place to look is in the little Pakistan of Brooklyn. Just drive down Coney Island Avenue on a Saturday, (be sure to stop at Bukhara sweets for bangin' namak-paray, and Punjab restaurant for sizzling kebabs and Punjab pharmacy where you can bargain for deodorant) and roll down your window. You could park, but be careful if you have a non-NY license plate, you might be sniffed out as a foreign entity and it could be trouble for your stereo system. As you walk, or drive, observe, as a bird-watcher would, your surroundings. You might hear a Brooklyn Gunda blasting bhangra mixed with rap in a "souped" ride cruising through a red-light. You might see a bunch of them with corn-rows and flashy studs walking together up and down the street. Some of them smoke and look like they are carrying some sort of weapon. Some of them do not speak English or Punjabi or Ebonics but a mixture of the three.

But, do not be afraid.Inside, you see Brooklyn Gundas have a piece of laddoo (a spherical yellow dessert) in their heart. If you are an old lady, or a little kid running and playing in the street, you have nothing to fear. If not, and if you are afraid, quickly give them some samosas (or a little Pakistani flag), slowly walk away and they should be off your case. Although it is tempting, do not take their pictures, no matter how unique (or attractive) you think they are. You probably shouldn't smile at them either- as they are not used to this. Most Brooklyn Gundas will turn towards some sort of business for their choice of profession. They will lead lives eating homemade roti and marrying a girl from a small town in a foreign country. Brooklyn Gunday do tend to raise Brooklyn Gunday, but more research is needed to substantiate these claims.

(Relevant picture to be added soon)

2009-10-20T08:03:00.001-07:00

To Nathni or Not to Nathni ....That is the Question!

What is one of the most important decisions every South Asian bride will have to make on her wedding day? No, its not whether or not she chose the right guy or not. No, its not whether or not she should wear the dress her mother-in-law picked for her (actually that is the most important decision but we will discuss that another day). Actually, the decision we are discussing is whether or not a bride should wear a traditional huge nose ring, the nathni. Though a very authentic part of the South Asian bridal jewelry, many South Asian girls have opted out of wearing this piece of jewelry for several reasons. To help all you brides out there, lets look at the pros and cons:

Con: It covers up a significant portion of your face. Personally, one of things I like about American brides, is they look much more natural than their South Asian counterparts. It's kind of refreshing to have a clean simple face on your big day, because it's all about you. When American moms show their kids their wedding photos they can actually recognize their mothers. When South Asian moms show their kids, half the time the kids have no clue that that's their mother in the photo. They also have no idea what that gold ring doing on her nose.

Pro: Nothing makes you look more like a bride than heavy jewelry. Its your wedding day, all eyes should be on you. Especially since many newlywed chics insist on wearing their wedding dresses to other weddings, you need to stand out! What better way to make you the center of attention than a huge nathni on that beautiful face.

Con: One of my cousins in Pakistan insisted on not wearing one because she said it made her look way too old for her age.

Pro: A good friend of mine who has kind of baby face looked absolutely fabulous in a nathni. It really made her look like a bride as opposed to a little girl playing dress up!

Con: When you show your co-workers your wedding photo, they will be a bit confused about why you have this huge ring on your nose, when they didn't even realize you had your nose pierced. When you explain to them its just a snap-on they will be even more confused. Then you will have to show them Janet Jackson's Runaway video to show them nose rings are hip and cool...or at least they were 10 years ago.

Pro: Your Grandma will love you for it, especially if you wear her old one. Screw your co-workers....

So just keep these tips in mind and remember this is your (...and your mother-in-law's) decision!

How not to pick up a desi girl.

2009-10-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

Hey. sup.

So have you ever heard of a pick up line that should never under any circumstances be used again? I know of more than a few, and I'm putting this out there for all you guys to know that they will NOT make you look smarter or more appealing:

Do you study space? Because you are out of this world.

Are you an ex-convict? -Because you just stole my heart.

I'm melting, I'm melting!

If you were a booger, I'd pick you.

Are you from Tennessee, because you're the only ten I see.

Can I borrow your library card? I would really like to check you out.

If you were girls were Sharpies you would be fine.

If you were at McDonald’s, you would be McHotness!

Is there fire? Because you look smokin'

I lost my phone, Can I borrow your number?

Singing random Desi song lines like "Kya bolti tu?" (Ok. maybe this one works...sometimes)

Look-A-Likes

2009-09-29T17:56:00.001-07:00

There are so many South Asians in the world, there's one Desi look-a-like for everyone. This week on our look-a-like segment, we have not-so-famous-bollywood hearthrob Arbaaz Khan and the man who made crying cool (at least for me it did) tennis superstar Roger Federer.
Brothers from another mother? Me thinks so. And what's Roger doing with that gun in his hand. Dude you can't expect to win every single US Open!

How to be Desi for a Day

2009-09-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

Yo. So as I was busy helping Sweety deal with the tons of fanmail she got yesterday, some kid posed a totally fab question. At the heart of the matter, the reader wanted to now how, he or she could become Desi*. Well sweetheart, unfortunately, you were either born Desi or you weren't. But, don't give up hope yet, you can still somewhat understand what it's like to be Desi so you can not be clueless in front of your South Asian comrades. I can give you guys a few pointers:

1) Watch Bollywood: Whether you're a Desi who has lost your roots or a wanna-be you really need to watch Bollywood. And no, just watching Slumdog doesn't count. You should check out what your local library has to offer (like Lagaan), and there is some stuff on Youtube and Hulu. If you can stomach the 3 hour comprehensive genre musical plot, watch at least one movie from every decade and you will be able to learn a lot of history; not to mention getting a good grip on socio-cultural norms (and yes I did just say socio-cultural). Bollywood will also help you with language and understanding Desi music.

Note: Even Desi's who claim to hate Bollywood (understandable), or worse who say that they have "never seen a Bollywood movie" (they have, they are lying) have inherent Desi traits and qualities that can only easily be understood through Bollywood cinema...and you can absolutely call me out on this.

2) Eat Desi food...and don't complain that it's spicy!: Eat Desi food. What does this mean you ask? Well to start with, get your mind free of sliced bread. You are going to need to eat unleavened flat bread called roti. You can also stop thinking of spice as being synonymous with salt and pepper shakers. The spices we use come in a gazillion different colors and always include red chillies in some form. You can also get rid of those utensils, most of us eat with our hands, and yes, it is an acquired skill. If you haven't been to a restaurant yet, Zagat it or ask around. The food is important. If you say it's spicy or make a I-can't-handle-this face, people will know your true identity. Instead, smile and drink some milk or water and eat some roti fast! Warning: Desserts although delicious, are incredibly sweet. Oh yea, by the way, some of us have this weird thing for mangoes...

3) At least one Desi friend: All Desi's (yes even the ABCD White-washed beyond return ones)have a token Desi friend. If you are desperate, use the internet. This is mandatory.

4) Aunty and Uncle: When visiting a Desi person's home, there are a few things you must remember. Do not go exactly on time, go a little late, but not too late. Take something to their house, and expect them to not want to take it from you. Call any older Desi people "Aunty" and "Uncle" with respect and take your shoes off as soon as you enter, and don't get ickeled by the apparent use of oil in someone's hair or by the fact that their daughter got married at 17 or by the fact that their son who is in his 30's still lives with them. Don't expect that anyone is going to be impressed that you were an art major, or that you have a new Ford, or that you once made cookies to give to your elderly grandparents in a nursing home. Don't refuse food, when you are not sure put your eyes down and expect to answer a lot of questions about your future plans. Be humble of your achievements, and give exaggerated praise.

5) Blonde hair? : There are very few Desis with naturally blonde hair. You might want to change that. If you can't change it, then you might want to put on some Desi garb to try to make up for it...although- well, let's save that for another day.

* If you haven't gotten it by know, urban dictionary it, dude.

2009-09-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sweety here. I am a Pakistani gal currently in medical school. No, that doesn't mean I do everything my parents say. Just about 87% of what they say, which is pretty good I think. So the other 13% is doing what Billo says. She's my partner in crime because she makes a mean potato salad.

How would I describe myself? I am the type of person who would straighten my hair only to put it into a pony tail when I get to anatomy lab. I blast Punjabi music in my car, but if I pull into a gas station and I see anyone looking remotely South Asian, I will switch it to Z100 faster than you can say samosa chaat. Last, but not least, although at times my dinner may consist only of an iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts, I am definitely living the glam life!

2009-09-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

hi. I'm Billo. I'm a full-time law student, but that doesn't mean I don't live an absolutely Glam life. Yes, that's right Glam with a Capital "G" (which incidently is the capital letter also used in Gangsta, my middle name). It's a Tuesday night. Most 1l's (the super secret code name for first year law students) would be studying right now. But me?, study?, hah! I laugh in the face of study. You see, I refuse to give up the Glam... for the blah of law manuscripts. I decided a long time ago that I have greater things to do in life, bigger feats to accomplish. Now, how, do you ask, do I intend to accomplish this astounding feat? Just wait, watch and read in unrelenting wonder.